my husband defends his sister over me

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Interestingly, while Ive known she exists as his colleague, he has never introduced me to her even though I know all of his other work friends.. Hes lying about it, too. They want the truth, then punish the person for telling it. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and considers it his responsibility to fulfill their needs and desires? But what to do if your mother-in-law tags along everywhere? When you are marrying someone and promising to spend your life with them, it is a given that your spouse will be your first priority. My sister has been married to her emotionally and verbally abusive husband for 35 years. If you know this occurs.simply say nothing. When people say, Hows Jim? if all you want to say is, Hes fine, thanks, then so be it. Tell him to have the weekends for such visits. As for the issue with his sister, he and I got in an arguement over his sister because I told him something she did that he needed to know because it affected other family members and in order for nothing to get out of hand he had to know. I find it extremely difficult to be emotionally supportive when he wakes up at 3 a.m. crying and tremblingyet I dont have the heart to yell at him like I want to. While its not an ideal situation, (theres no kitchen or shower, so we have to share theirs), we get along pretty well for the most part. His father used to keep a lid on his opinions in public but due to what his wife believes is dementia setting in, he has slowly been saying VERY inappropriate things about POC when shopping, at church, or out to dinner. If you are living with your in-laws, it might happen that your husband comes back home and heads straight to his parents room and comes out of there only after an hour or two? Her husband is part (or the cause) of the problem. We didnt want a religious wedding that could take longer, but my mother-in-law demanded it. But you do not need their permission for baby-making. No one deserves to put up with his behavior. His parents would be heartbroken if we dont invite his dad, but neither of us want to ask that my family endure his remarks, even padded with His mind is slipping and he says hateful things sometimes. I fear we wont be able to have the big wedding we planned on but Ive never encountered this situation before so I dont know if Im missing an obvious solution that would afford us a family event, or if well have to elope or just bite the bullet and ban him from the festivities. My exact response was, Dont I have the right to choose when to announce my pregnancy? One simple piece of advice that can go a long way in resolving the deadlock is to become a part of his family, in true earnest. They think I quit drinking for health reasons (partially true). And dont let another woman dishonor her husband by complaining to you. Thanks for understanding, should do it. How do I graciously be a part of their lives while inwardly cringing at another over-the-top celebration? I can still remember standing up to my father in my 20s when he tried to get me to join in in ridiculing my mother. Our shop is equipped to fabricate custom duct transitions, elbows, offsets and more, quickly and accurately with our plasma cutting system. A: You cannot impose a schedule on someone elses grief. These arguments have caused us to have days to where we hardly speak, days where I don't want to even talk to him because he is just pissy because he's holding a grudge. I feel theyre now old enough to be addressed as the young women theyre becoming and understand the implications of their actions. Goodluck and hang in there! I couldn't not believe that was the first thing he said!! Im worried about him, although during the day hes one of the happiest people Ive ever met. When youre struggling to come to terms with the signs your husband puts his family first, know that healthy and honest communication is the key to solving any relationship issue. When his mom calls to talk with him he says mom i am married now i have a wife. There are no constant knocks on the door by his family to get their thoughts across. I'm not saying his mom is this or that. I really want to say something to these children, not just for my cousins sake, but also because theyre becoming very mean girls. Do not build resentment over this. I know that this seems like a stupid question, but we have become overly concerned with spending it. If a part of his income goes to his family, ensure a part of your income goes to your family too. I would recommend them to everyone who needs any metal or Fabrication work done. If you dont, then you could be alienating him from you. I posted my comment because my husband gets over anything that is said about his family. I told him he was right and that there is no issue at all and I walked out. 2. We had to buy a new couch to replace our old college dorm room couch and we spent over a month talking about it weighing the pros and cons. Plus, we are sure, you wouldnt really appreciate a man who is not there with his parents when they genuinely and really need him. He knew I was mad because normally i would keep on (I know bad habit). That means she sets the family tone, which only encourages her worst qualities. 5 ways in which marriage turned out the opposite of what I imagined, 7 Tips For Men Who Are Stuck Between Wife And Mother In A Joint Family, 12 Ways to Deal With a Jealous Mother-In-Law. But if you have a discussion with him and tell him how you feel, then both of you could sit together and work a way out. I have been married for 20+ years now. His daughter is 18 and treats my husband like crap and we all know it's due to what his ex says and does. We married when I was 31 and my wife was 29. We specialize in fabricating residential and commercial HVAC custom ductwork to fit your home or business existing system. When my ex left me for another women we came up to agreement of child maintenance for our two children, hes was employed and kept up the Hi there, I have a foggy brain and will read everyone's posts carefully and forgive me if this has been said. Should I? It has become so bad that I spend all night staying up thinking about if we can afford things even though I know I can. We are experiencing a birth dearth in this country because so many people of childbearing age are in your situation. If he cant see your point of view, a few sessions with a therapist to help you two hash out these in-law issues would be a good investment. She is always around, he tells her all their business, and on their date night he invited his sister to come along. Good morning - Well I brought it up last night and at first it did not go well. He completely denied there was even an issue. Denied he gets upset, Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! We are much happier for it too. If I say anything about it, he jumps all over me, The Content on this Site is presented in a summary fashion, and is intended to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only. My MIL says she cannot stand my husbands ex and doesn't want to have anything to do with her so that is why I said what I said. And its the actual problem that needs addressing. I don't like his ex either but I'm still cordial out of respect for my step-daughter. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the discussion. That will be Tuesday, Jan. 18, since were off on Monday. I think nice conversation and a hug would be sufficient not multiple hugs and kisses and numerous I love you's within a few minutes. It set him into defensive mode every time. Accept your husbands strong relationship with his mom, 9. They didn't care that he didn't have any of his things with him, they just locked him out one night. A: Its good to hear from someone who has lived this ugly dynamic, and was able to change it. His mother is the type that tells everyone off and doesn't care who's feelings she hurts. So slap on a smile and be grateful to be included. I have kept this secret for more than 20 years. "Being unwilling to defend a significant other doesn't necessarily mean someone is being Given the husbands contribution, it also sounds as if a malicious family dynamic is at play here: Martyr mom does everything for us, and in exchange she earns our contempt. So point out every time that he has hurt your Will there be fallout? Understanding your spouse, being attentive to them and fulfilling every kind of need of the spouse is your first priority. This could get really annoying because this is one of the tell-tale signs your husband puts his family first. I couldn't help it but I just laughed. That way there is no misunderstanding and festering. Who knows. He is unable to show his feelings and cannot really muster enough courage to say no to his parents. Should I let this happen? When you stop looking at the relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate. Q. I am considering separating from him if his behavior doesnt stop. Or does he rush to help his little sister with every little crisis she may have, leaving you grappling with the feeling my husband always chooses his sister over me. Tell your husband to ask his parents to choose one destination and the second holiday destination will be your choice. I just re-read my last comment. Im with you that its incredibly rude that you werent included in the invitation to your SILs 40th birthday party. As you get more used to the break, you can add down the road, Sadly, he and I have separated. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. Q. I have been on the receiving end of his outbursts numerous times and have been called the C-word during his tantrums. The Bonobology Team comprises expert writers who have been writing on this specialized subject of relationships for a long time and have a deep understanding of couple relationships and its ramifications. This is alright as long as it is not a repeated thing. 471. I am all for maintaining family harmony (and hanging in there to support my sister), which is why I have kept silent, but Im at the point where I want to give her all this information and let the chips fall where they may. If this is my reaction, should I break up with him or try to work on it? Thanks, everyone! But instead of festering and fighting with him, you could think of taking some steps so that he could balance his own family and your aspirations as well. We are currently living together and are starting to get our careers going. Harry Potter star Evanna Lynch says J.K. Rowling deserves more grace amid claims that the author is transphobic. If it makes you feel better, you can say, Youve made it clear how much you dont want to be around people of color, so we are doing you a favor by letting you skip this.. What may have started off as privacytexts between friendshas now moved into secrecy, not necessarily because hes doing anything wrong, but because of something going on between the two of you. I came to an even playing ground. But what my suggestion might do is help you see another way to move through this impasse and understand it better before you make any decisions about your marriage. that she didn't want to be one of the ex's casualties???? Send me updates about Slate special offers. What should I do? Over the years, I have learned a lot and maybe it will help you. One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. This is even more important as including him would likely be directly harming your own relatives. He lies and tells me they no longer text, until he gets caught red-handed again. So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? Stay away from topics about sex, secrets, and struggles . But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. Can you be less curious about his texts and become more curious about what you can do to create more connection with him? A: I agree. I completely understand preserving relationships for the sake of children. It's supposed to say "Despite it does bother me how my MIL has been acting with my husband ex after what she is done, I'm mad about how my husband react when I say anything even if it's when I'm siding with hi. My son and daughter-in-law had professional engagement photos taken, numerous bridal showers, a wedding followed by a reception, professional maternity photos taken, a gender revealing party, a baptism, professional family portraits, and a first birthday party. So he listen to his mom. Heres where we disagree though: My husband thinks we should just start trying and see what happens. You can manage your newsletter subscriptions at any time. These are: 1. It could be that your husbands sister has some sort of personality disorder so everyone tiptoes around her in order to try and keep the peace. Feb 26, 20137:15 AM. I asked him to visit a marriage therapist together and he said hes not ready to work on our marriage, and thinks he needs to see a grief therapist instead. Help! Or should I demand he focus on our marriage? Realize he is their child first and he lived with them much longer than he lived with you. If you are living with the in-laws you cannot really restrict relative visits because the elderly people are usually free to entertain guests. Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is on Washingtonpost.com weekly to chat live with readers. He knew, he knows. It is not that he loves his own family any less but he is unable to do the balancing act because of his mental conditioning. Nevertheless, he wakes up, at a minimum of one night a week, screaming, thrashing, and terrified. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.). Who knows in the process hed probably realize a few things and will be able to create the boundaries. A: Oh, goodness, this is way too close to the baby-making party! I recently discovered that my husband and a female colleague of his have a texting streak going back as far as 2016. I'm glad to hear that he "fessed up" to the things he was doing. Re: Is there a happy medium? Here are two different ways to look at your situation: 1) Your husband is a no-good liar and you should leave him. However, if We live a good distance away, but every few months, my work takes me near her house and Ill visit and stay overnight. Sometimes the decision such as which college your son should study in or when your daughter should come back home become topics of family round table conferences. Create your own boundaries, your husband will start realizing what is possible and what is not possible. I cant imagine how hes going to explain that departure to potential employers. Its true that people who foot the bill can make demands. But not before you give your mental health the attention it deserves. It seems like anything that comes of out of my cousins mouth warrants a snide retort from one child or the other. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. Great people and the best standards in the business. In Indian extended homes, husbands might want to help their wives in the kitchen but since their fathers never helped their mothers, they are unable to do it because they fear a backlash on the wife from the family. I am just being direct and honest. And your husband ends up giving more importance to that because that is what he has been used to seeing in his family. Here are two different ways to look at your situation: 1) Your husband is a no-good liar and you should leave him. Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. It might make sense to talk to at least a few other people who are recovering alcoholics to hear about how they handle these situations, and learn about whether and why they see value in being open about their reasons. Also, whenever she is close with her husband he pushes her away when his sister enters the room. I guess he thought I took it to far by saying "I know and I don't know why your mother feels she as to be so affectionate with her especially if she can't stand her and says that she does not want to speak to her". You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. And when this line of defense fails, the first crack in the marriage appears. There could be a circumstance when your husband really needs to give his family his undivided attention and financial help. He quit his job, saying it was too traumatic to go to work. You have the right to make your own decisions. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Unlike when in the UK or US where mothers often stop to have a drink after work before heading home, you would always see an Indian mom rushing home from work to help her child with homework or toss up delicacies for them. If he heads for his parents room after office, you tell him thats just fine but he has to ensure after that when he is with you the door of your room is closed and you have your own space. No worries about the "slamming" comment/joke etc. Anyway, a few minutes later he came into our room and I just said here look and handed him my computer. As we have both grown up with no money, we have saved very penny we have earned and have a very nice savings account. We disclaim all responsibility for the professional qualifications and licensing of, and services provided by, any physician or other health providers posting on or otherwise referred to on this Site and/or any Third Party Site. Right now your position is: End the texting or Ill leave. So, when the signs your husband puts his family first are staring you in the face, dont lose heart. He has even argued with me and threatened to leave me over a disagreement about his sister! Mean Girls: My cousin and I are both in our 40s and grew up together. My sister didnt tell me until I called her to inquire about something and found out she was at the hospital with him. A husband who, in a situation of conflict, sides against his wife may be hiding deep-seated resentment toward her. How do I deal with this? The issue isn't about the ex, that was an example of what happened recently. My boyfriend (21M) and I (20F) have been together for five years. Insecure and monogamous: Im in love with my boyfriend. They are still texting everyday and I feel like a third wheel to whatever this friendship is. If your husband is choosing his family over you repeatedly, then you have to remember he has been psychologically conditioned to do so since his childhood. Be honest and clear about whats bothering you, but dont make your spouse the intermediary. In the few hours Im there, they insult her looks, her cooking, and her intelligence. And, worst of all, he propositioned me for sex by using the fact I was divorced (and probably horny) as an excuse. If I even express how I don't understand how his mom can be so friendly with his ex-wife he gets mad at me. A: Steve, you know Ive decided to stop drinking. Good for you for seeing that bonding time with Dad was part of playing out a pattern destructive to everyone. How to tell people my husband left me: My husband of three years moved out last week and has no interest in reconciliation. Ok, hope that makes more sense than my last comment. But Im tired of being grilled about all of our life choices and the timing of revealing them. Either way, you wont be able to have a conversation about his texting that will be helpful to you individually or as a couple until a deeper understanding is reached. sorry if it doesn't. My husband has a good relationship with his mom. And he was like this before he was believed to have dementia! I can tell, though, that shes hurt by these remarks. Updated: Jun 30, 2022, 11:51 IST facebook twitter Pintrest Her story: I found my husband and his sister sitting in a very weird way. My husband and I both agree that the wedding is actually about the parents of the groom and bride, and not the actual couple getting married. However, recently we have been having a lot of disagreements surrounding the topic of female friends. Photo illustration by Slate. ); why he feels he has to hide it from you; and how your requests that he end it affect his feelings toward you? If you tell me the truth, I will deny your needs. You should begin, by understanding that this is NOT about the sisters of your husband. After that, she seemed to lose interest. Am I ok, maybe just a little too concerned or is this something I should talk about with someone? Of course youre reeling over these events, so if he wont see a counselor with you, consider going alone. I announced my pregnancy to both families at 20 weeks.

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